Tuesday 16 December 2008

Two For Tuesday: 16 December 2008

In my writing I have been striving for description to move the story forward.

Here is my written two line contribution for today, from a current draft work:

"With scarcely any room to move, she managed to rise to her knees, coughing in the thick, acrid dust until her chest ached and she tasted blood. Struggling in the cramped darkness, she got her shirttail out of her jeans and over her mouth and nose; it strained enough dust that she could breathe."


From a book I recently read are two sentences from Dark Fire by C.J. Sansom:

“Joseph’s mother sat ramrod straight in her chair, snow-white hair gathered under a black cap, veiny hands folded over a stick. She was thin, the planes of her skull visible beneath pale skin that was a patchwork of lines and smallpox scars.”

9 comments:

David Cranmer said...

You have succeeded in the descriptive dept. You gripped me with these two lines.

Steve Malley said...

I like it! :)

Travis Erwin said...

Like the detail but the word in after coughing made me stop for a second. Might be better if you wrote coughing from the thick acrid, dust.

Just a suggestion. Hope you don't mind.

laughingwolf said...

well honed, barbara :D

Cloudia said...

It is so difficult to weave it together so that it appears effortless and flows easily into the mind's ear. Good job. aloha-

L.A. Mitchell said...

You achieved description :)

Sansom's old woman is vibrant. Love it.

Merisi said...

Cripping tale,
but I do hope you are surrounded by the joys of the Christmas season!

BernardL said...

Your draft was very well done. I could picture the scene easily.

Barbara Martin said...

Thank you all for your comments, and Travis, your suggestion is well received. Other eyes are necessary because sometimes I can't see all the trees for the forest.